"Power"

"Power"

Living   in the earth deposits   of our history

Today a backhoe divulged   out of a crumbling flank of earth 

one bottle   amber   perfect   a hundred-year-old 

cure for fever   or melancholy   a tonic

for living on this earth   in the winters of this climate

Today I was reading about Marie Curie:

she must have known she suffered   from radiation sickness

her body bombarded for years   by the element

she had purified

It seems she denied to the end

the source of the cataracts on her eyes

the cracked and suppurating skin   of her finger-ends

till she could no longer hold   a test tube or pencil

She died   a famous woman   denying

her wounds

denying

her wounds   came   from the same source as her power

-Adrienne Rich, 1974

Update continued...

After summarizing what has happened lately I should now say how I feel about it.  With that I am having a hard time, a hard time identifying the feelings involved.  I feel numb most of the time lately unless, of course, I am so stressed out that I am crying.  I would say that underneath this numb feeling I am sad, angry, and frightened.  Sad that my daughter is suffering from a mental illness that she sometimes, and too often, self medicates.  Sad that she has had such a difficult year, that her marriage has dissolved and that the man she has loved for all of  her adult life has betrayed her and her daughters.  Angry because she won't take responsibility for the situation she has created because her pride stood in her way.  Angry that she is now taking her ex-husband's word and feelings over those of her daughter's.  Angry that she does not call her daughters enough, does not want to talk to the oldest when she does call, and does nothing but blame others when she talks to me.  I am also angry that she has made me responsible for moving and storing her possessions and for posting and selling those things she doesn't want any longer and then not being there for those interested in buying them.  Angry at myself for making myself responsible for these things. Frightened that she will take these girls back before she is stable enough.  Frightened that she will remain in association with those who use drugs.  Frightened she will allow her ex-husband back into her life betraying even more her daughters, his victims.  Those are the feelings that lay beneath this numbness that more often takes hold of me.  The stress has become physical.  I have gained weight despite the efforts I take- eating a healthy wholesome diet and walking at least an hour each day despite the constant urge I have to disappear into the solitude of my room and to pull the covers over my head.  My depression is palpable.  I continue to take my own psychotropic medications and keep my appointments with my psychiatrist knowing that if I don't take my own mental illness, bipolar-II, seriously I will not be able to cope with the hectic world around me.      


I leave for West Virginia in ten days and am so looking forward to the trip.  We, four of my grandchildren and myself, will be taking the California Zephyr to Chicago and there we will transfer to an Amtrak train to Charleston and my beloved son, his gorgeous wife, and my two amazing granddaughters.  As I have already told you in earlier posts I live with my youngest daughter, her husband and their eight children.  We plan on leaving Carson City before the end of the year and finding a place for ourselves in the Charleston, WV area in order to be closer to my son and his family.  I have always wanted to live on the East Coast and we hope that at some point we can purchase a little land in New England; land enough to farm a bit.  For the present I am just so looking forward to the trip and putting a little distance between my daughter and myself so that she can find her path and I can step away from my co-dependent tendencies.

Update

Life moves on.  Since last I wrote, we have moved into a new apartment across town and two of my granddaughters from my second daughter, Renee, are spending some time with us.  That makes thirteen people here. ten of them children.  Renee has a mental illness.  She is bi-polar with schizoid affect.  She has hallucinations, both audio and visual,delusions, and paranoia.  She has recently gone through some very difficult life events and life changes.  Her fifteen year relationship with the father of her children has ended because of his inappropriate behavior against two of their daughters.  He has been convicted and is now a register sex offender.  Both my daughter and my granddaughters were in need of counseling but my daughter refused the offer of help and declined counseling.  So, no one talked about what had happened.  My granddaughters have been traumatized and betrayed by their father and let down by their mother.  My daughter did everything she could to see that he was punished but neglected the need of counseling for her daughters and for herself.  She became the sole support of her household for the first time in fifteen years and  became the person responsible for running the everyday affairs of the household.  She began dating soon after the relationship ended, often recklessly.  She surrounded herself with the wrong kind of people, people that put her at risk.  Once her ex was released from jail he initiated contact with her and despite the restraining order in place she communicated with him. She stopped taking some of her psychotropic drugs and replaced them with illegal drugs.  A little over a month ago she called to ask if I would stay at her place with the girls while she went to Reno with some friends. I arrived at her place on the arranged date to find my daughter had left two nights before taking the youngest girl with her and leaving the two older ones telling them that she wasn't returning and that they needed to stay with their uncle or their aunt.  The girls were upset and afraid to tell me so I did not find out for three days.  I called my son and talked with him about the situation and he advised me to call the police and report what had happened.  I did.  I was told that since she had left them in my care there was no criminal act and that I should just do what was needed to keep the girls safe.  I didn't hear from my daughter for several days despite several attempts to contact her by my son, my oldest daughter, and myself.  When finally we heard from her she said that she was overwhelmed, that she had been hearing voices, and that she "just couldn't do it anymore."  She believed she was doing the best thing for herself and her girls.  She didn't reveal where she was or how she had got there but we deduced she was in Idaho with a friend.  How she got there was still a mystery.  She wanted me to put her things into storage.  She hadn't paid her rent and the apartment would have to be vacated by the end of the month.  The girls still needed to finish the last two weeks of school so I would have that time to pack and move things into storage.  I did what I could.  She had neglected housework for some time by the time I had arrived and things had gotten pretty bad.  I packed things up but left the house for her to clean and left what I couldn't fit into the truck as well as her things and her youngest daughter's things.  I am on a fixed income and the cost of the moving truck was a hardship on both me and my daughter and son-in-law that I live with.  But, we packed up the rented truck and move things into storage.  My daughter showed up at her apartment the day after we had left it.  She was upset with the state of the place and that there were still things left for her to deal with.  I felt, and my other children agreed, that I had done more that could be expected.  We feel that she left without thought for her daughter and that she expected others to take responsibility that should have been hers.  She blamed others for her actions and for her inaction.  We let her know that had she asked for help we would have been there for her but that the way in which she handled things and the way she had left her girls was not right.  This is over simplifying the situation and all that was said between us but so much was said that can't be reported verbatim.  She informed me, once she was back, that she had left in her ex-husbands car, that he somehow got to her, and that is also how she returned.  She also informed me that he had cut off his ankle bracelet and was running from parole.  It is our assumption that she left with him, that things didn't work out as she had planned, and that they came back to pick up where they had left off.  I do not know if he is still with her at this time but she does still have his car.  She has until the end of the month to vacate the apartment and has no idea where she will go to then.  The two older girls are here with us and the plans are for them to accompany two of my grandsons and me on our long planned trip to West Virginia to visit my son and his family and for them to stay with him for the next school year at least.  But, with my daughter things change daily and we must prepare for anything.  I do not want to give my granddaughter back to her at this time.  I believe, as do her siblings, that she needs to get back onto her meds and to seek psychiatric help for the issues she is experiencing.  Life is happening and the best we can do is take it one day at a time while trying to do the best we can for my granddaughters and hope that my daughter finds her way.