Co-dependents define themselves in terms of their relationships. “Family secrets. Guilt. Shame. Repressed anger. Low self-esteem. Compromising your own values to avoid another person's rejection or anger. Those are just a few red flags of codependence (Jeanie Davis, Goodhouskeeping.com/health).” I have lived in, through, and around co-dependent relationships for as long as I can remember. It takes so much energy, so much thought.
I am tired today. I am in Madison, West Virginia today visiting my son and his family. I am flying back to San Francisco tomorrow where a bevy of issues will confront me as soon as I land. My daughter, whom I love immensely, is pregnant with her seventh child. That’s right, I said seventh. How do I respond? It is not just her precarious health but their even more precarious financial situation. We are, after all, technically homeless. Then there is Mike. He called two days ago to tell me that the RV’s differential went out and he is stuck in Marin. Marin, where he didn’t need to be in the first place. So, what is it really? Is it the differential or is he coming down off a drug weekend or is it a bit of both? He called this morning. He wants to sell the RV before he has to spend more money; he is tired of the lifestyle. I don’t blame him for that I am too. It was much more fun in the beginning. Now it just means more loss. Financially, mentally, and emotionally. It is just another way of being homeless.
My son wants me to stay, to miss my flight on purpose. I don’t know what it is I want. Not today. But that isn’t altogether true. I want a place to call home. I want a place to put my books on a shelf, to cook my own food, to watch a Law & Order marathon and not feel guilty, to have my cat and my dog, and to plant a garden. I want to know that my children and their families are healthy, happy, and safe. I want the same for myself. And for Mike. I don’t know if I want to be with Mike as a couple but I do care about him.
I have looked at houses here around Charleston, West Virginia. I have even found several that I wouldn’t mind living in and that could actually be affordable for me. I will take the list with me and keep an eye on them and on my credit. And once I figure out the mess in California maybe I will be back. I have a bed here if I want it. I just don’t know how it would be for my son and his family. Having me here for a visit is one thing but having me stay on until I find a place of my own is another. I wouldn’t be visiting, but I wouldn’t be living here either.
Life is up in the air. My life is floating around me, a juggling act that I must learn to control rather than have it control me.
