January 26, 2013
Sitting here in my room watching Pure Country, starring George Strait, on the DVD, playing Spider Solitaire, on my laptop, and burning CDs to my laptop so that I can later put them on my phone. Terry, my most recent ex-husband is downstairs with the rest of the family. He is uncomfortable in my presence so I come up here to hide away while he is here visiting. I try to talk to him but he can’t seem to manage more than a yes or no or another one word answer. He told me last time he was here it is because he loves me too much.
I left him the last time that we parted. Our relationship was always tumultuous. From start to finish-and possibly still-our relationship was fueled on an energy that never seemed to lessen in intensity.
February 3, 2013
8:40 AM. I am sitting on my bed, watching Law & Order, and playing Spider Solitaire. Exciting. This afternoon we will watch the Superbowl and eat chicken wings and chips.
Things just don’t get better. Son-in-law B quit his job. Once again. Possibly for the right reasons but without appropriate backup plans. Once again. I could leave, but then again I can’t. My name is on the lease. I pay the utilities. Without utilities S and the kids would suffer. My name on the lease means I stay until we all go because B doesn’t take care of places he leaves. He let Terry bring those puppies (4 pit mixes) here and they have made a huge mess that B doesn’t deal with personally. It is just like with the boys and their playing outside without rules when he is here. They make a mess they don’t clean up and they are destructive, as little boys can be. They are boys so that is somewhat expected but B needs to guide them in the right direction and not fall asleep with no regard for what happens next.
I am depressed, stressed, and anxious and yes planning ways on ending this life that I find so hard and hopeless. Did I ever have potential? Did I ever have another destiny possible? Is there any hope for redemption?
March 18 2013
Motel 6 in Rancho Mirage, CA. Down by Palm Springs. Another botched attempt at an easier existence. Nothing has worked out so far. Been staying in motels for a week now. Budget being eaten alive by motels and the truck. No clear idea or plan. B thinks we can just camp with these kids and no one will bother us. These kids need a house and school. They need a father who will bust his ass doing whatever is available to house, cloth, and feed them. I love B but it pisses me off that he wants to always color outside the lines when it is the kids who suffer.
The septic tank, in the house we were renting, had begun to leak into the back yard. This meant that we had to pack up and leave the house. A blessing disguised in a mess. We moved into a motel and began to plan our next move. That is where we are now.
March 28, 2013
B and S found a rent to own mobile home in Joshua Tree, CA. We moved in last Thursday. I am happy for them. They will have a stable home now. It needs a few repairs, nothing tremendous, and some paint but it is a home they can stay in for a while and make their own. They made the deposit and the first month’s rent with the rest of their tax refund. B, of course, does not have a job and no plans on looking for one right now. He is waiting for his friend to come down and they have plans to open a head shop in Joshua Tree or Yucca Valley. But that won’t be until May and until then they have no income. I will be paying next month’s pro-rated rent and the car registration, which is past due. I have actually applied for a couple of jobs in order to have more money coming in. S has also put in a job application.
I registered for online classes at Lake Tahoe Community College for the spring quarters and applied to Liberty University for my master’s degree in health and wellness. Classes for LTCC begin next week. Liberty will begin in the summer.
Next week I will pick up my granddaughters, who are still in foster care, for an overnight. Since they are still in Jackson, CA, we will stay the night in a motel. The motel has a pool for them to enjoy and then we will pick up a few DVDs and some Chinese food or pizza and have a movie night.
Their mother has called me and left a message that she is staying with friends in Placerville, CA. She sounds better than she has in a while. There is a court hearing next month where we will learn if the girls will go to West Virginia to my son’s or not. I do hope so. It has been so long now.
So much is happening right now. So many changes. But then life is about change. I am trying to keep my hopes up and my anxieties at bay. One day at a time, right?
