Down & low

When I started this blog I had the best of intentions as to keeping up with it and being interesting. But that was many moods ago and I find myself increasingly depressed and feeling hopeless. I take medications for this but they don't seem to be helping much these days. In fact, I am wondering today why I bother at all. And I do mean at all. At least today. I find getting up and going through the motions of the day tedious, trying, and tiring. I want to lay down, close my eyes, and sleep long and deep. But I don't sleep much these days either. My mind races, my thoughts scattered at the same time they are obsessing over things out of my control. I am lonely. Lonely for someone of my own. I live in a home with nine other people and I am lonely. I need a hug. I need someone to want me. I miss love. I am fifty-five years old and lately I feel old. How will it be to grow old alone? I had always thought I would be with someone through these years. Like my parents who were together fifty-six years. But, it doesn't look like that will happen for me. I can't seem to hold onto love. And it isn't just love. It is my life. I have accomplished nothing and look forward to nothing. Nothing except closing my eyes for the last time. Fatalistic, yes. Wishful thinking, yes. I have told my kids I will hang around and let nature take its course but it doesn't stop the way I think, the way I feel, the way I yearn for release.