Update continued...

After summarizing what has happened lately I should now say how I feel about it.  With that I am having a hard time, a hard time identifying the feelings involved.  I feel numb most of the time lately unless, of course, I am so stressed out that I am crying.  I would say that underneath this numb feeling I am sad, angry, and frightened.  Sad that my daughter is suffering from a mental illness that she sometimes, and too often, self medicates.  Sad that she has had such a difficult year, that her marriage has dissolved and that the man she has loved for all of  her adult life has betrayed her and her daughters.  Angry because she won't take responsibility for the situation she has created because her pride stood in her way.  Angry that she is now taking her ex-husband's word and feelings over those of her daughter's.  Angry that she does not call her daughters enough, does not want to talk to the oldest when she does call, and does nothing but blame others when she talks to me.  I am also angry that she has made me responsible for moving and storing her possessions and for posting and selling those things she doesn't want any longer and then not being there for those interested in buying them.  Angry at myself for making myself responsible for these things. Frightened that she will take these girls back before she is stable enough.  Frightened that she will remain in association with those who use drugs.  Frightened she will allow her ex-husband back into her life betraying even more her daughters, his victims.  Those are the feelings that lay beneath this numbness that more often takes hold of me.  The stress has become physical.  I have gained weight despite the efforts I take- eating a healthy wholesome diet and walking at least an hour each day despite the constant urge I have to disappear into the solitude of my room and to pull the covers over my head.  My depression is palpable.  I continue to take my own psychotropic medications and keep my appointments with my psychiatrist knowing that if I don't take my own mental illness, bipolar-II, seriously I will not be able to cope with the hectic world around me.      


I leave for West Virginia in ten days and am so looking forward to the trip.  We, four of my grandchildren and myself, will be taking the California Zephyr to Chicago and there we will transfer to an Amtrak train to Charleston and my beloved son, his gorgeous wife, and my two amazing granddaughters.  As I have already told you in earlier posts I live with my youngest daughter, her husband and their eight children.  We plan on leaving Carson City before the end of the year and finding a place for ourselves in the Charleston, WV area in order to be closer to my son and his family.  I have always wanted to live on the East Coast and we hope that at some point we can purchase a little land in New England; land enough to farm a bit.  For the present I am just so looking forward to the trip and putting a little distance between my daughter and myself so that she can find her path and I can step away from my co-dependent tendencies.