Silencing myself

Perhaps blogging is not the way to go. Do I have to temper my words here? Or just let it go? There is a lot of stress in the air this morning. I do well with stress. I do not do well with stress. Put me in a high stress, multitasking work environment and I do great. Tell me I have to write a thirty page paper for class and it is due tomorrow and I will whip an A paper out with minutes to spare. But, don’t have personal stress around me because I will always feel like I am the cause. Whether I am or not doesn’t matter, I will feel I am and I will feel that I need to fix it.

Have you heard of Virginia Satir? Melody Beattie? John Bradshaw? I need to learn to be co-dependent no more, to heal the shame, to liberate the inner self. My father was an alcoholic, as were four out of five brothers and my only sister. I tend to marry alcoholics and or drug abusers. See a pattern? My college grad paper was on co-dependency. I spent many years as an alcohol and drug counselor. I have walked away from abusive relationships. I have been in therapy. I have talked it out and walked it out and swore I wouldn’t go there again. I am there again. Even more I sink into the role so completely that I want to believe that every problem around me is my problem to fix. And I know that I can’t. I know that I cannot fix the problems of others, especially when I have my stuff to deal with.

The transmission on the RV went out and is the RV is now in the tranny shop. While this is going on we are motel bound for ten days. It has been five now and the thrill of a pool, a daily shower, and a non-moving bed has gone away. Motels are expensive. Motels are crowded. Motels are impersonal. Perhaps a condo on the beach in Waikiki or a garden room overlooking the Seine would not feel like this. But I long for the days when I could escape to a room of my own, not just for my sake but for the sake of those around me.

I know I am not easy to live with at times. I can be irritable and morose and melodramatic. I do not do well when there is frustration and anxiety floating in the air around me. I want for laughter and music and quiet times. I want for peace and happiness and some healing words from Deepak or Pema Chodron to ease my troubled mind.